Friday, February 17, 2006

The Saga Continues...

Okay so i was the one with the issues. I guess the 'whole back and forth, one day you want me the next day you don't' had a profound effect on how I perceived our situation (can't call it a relationship). Around January '04 ( we met august '03), I knew that I needed to do something different. We were always arguing and it was mostly about me. Now, I thought I had done a good job explaining my views on relationships and my issue with commitment. It takes me a while to come to terms with the idea of establishing a relationship with someone. I knew I cared about him and that he cared about me, but there was still an uneasy feeling. We both knew that we had our own personal issues to handle, but I thought maybe we could work out our issues together. So I stayed onboard, but in reality, the issues that we had were ones that needed to be dealt with alone.
I'm not a very verbal person especially when it comes to how i feel, and he was VERY verbal about his feelings. He was the type that always wanted to talk, and it really made me uncomfortable. Whenever we'd have these 'conversations', I'd immediately lock up. They were getting redundant, and I was getting frustrated with the whole situation. However, I couldn't bring myself to tell him how i felt, so we never came to a resolution for how we were going to make this work. Instead of walking away, we kinda drifted along.
After a few weeks of drifting, I got tired. I knew I was on a dead end street, but I'd become so used to having him around that I didn't feel like looking for a replacement. I would have these conversations with my friends about how I needed a change. The 'on again off again' was played out.
My change came in the form of a sweet, young man who truly adored me. He traveled an hour every weekend to see me. He called all day long, and although he wanted a relationship, he understood and respected my issues with relationships. Unfortunately, his term ended shortly after we met. He was sweet but needy. I enjoyed his company, but his sweetness and his series of unexpected visits grew very old and tiring. No regrets...It was a nice change.

|

i didnt know how hard i could cry 8:54 AM