Friday, March 10, 2006
the saga continues...
since my rendevous was short lived, i fell back into the same pattern. at this point, i must've been afraid to look beyond the familiar.
i couldn't understand (neither could my friends) why i kept puttin myself in the same situation. now that i'm able to reflect, i think it had a lot to do with sex. i'll spare the details, but it was always an interesting experience. plus, i'm not one to deny myself anything (especially a guaranteed good time).
then there was the fact that i'd invested a lot of time and emotion. i didn't want it to be in vain. i guess i kept waiting for it to get better. instead it was getting worse. it really got bad when i thought that he was with someone else. i actually made a big production over his cousin!! it was then that i realized that it was time for me to let go. the frustration and pressure finally got to me.
the problem was actually letting go.
instead of being upfront about how i was feeling, i started to avoid him. i wouldn't call (the fact that he didn't have a cellphone made it easy) and i tried to avoid him at work. during this time, i met my baby's father.
initially, i didn't pay much attention to him, but there was something about him. the more time i spent with him, the more interested i became. i'd known him for a few weeks and he'd already done more for me than 'boy troubled' had done in the past few months.
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i didnt know how hard i could cry
9:28 AM
Friday, February 17, 2006
The Saga Continues...
Okay so i was the one with the issues. I guess the 'whole back and forth, one day you want me the next day you don't' had a profound effect on how I perceived our situation (can't call it a relationship). Around January '04 ( we met august '03), I knew that I needed to do something different. We were always arguing and it was mostly about me. Now, I thought I had done a good job explaining my views on relationships and my issue with commitment. It takes me a while to come to terms with the idea of establishing a relationship with someone. I knew I cared about him and that he cared about me, but there was still an uneasy feeling. We both knew that we had our own personal issues to handle, but I thought maybe we could work out our issues together. So I stayed onboard, but in reality, the issues that we had were ones that needed to be dealt with alone.
I'm not a very verbal person especially when it comes to how i feel, and he was VERY verbal about his feelings. He was the type that always wanted to talk, and it really made me uncomfortable. Whenever we'd have these 'conversations', I'd immediately lock up. They were getting redundant, and I was getting frustrated with the whole situation. However, I couldn't bring myself to tell him how i felt, so we never came to a resolution for how we were going to make this work. Instead of walking away, we kinda drifted along.
After a few weeks of drifting, I got tired. I knew I was on a dead end street, but I'd become so used to having him around that I didn't feel like looking for a replacement. I would have these conversations with my friends about how I needed a change. The 'on again off again' was played out.
My change came in the form of a sweet, young man who truly adored me. He traveled an hour every weekend to see me. He called all day long, and although he wanted a relationship, he understood and respected my issues with relationships. Unfortunately, his term ended shortly after we met. He was sweet but needy. I enjoyed his company, but his sweetness and his series of unexpected visits grew very old and tiring. No regrets...It was a nice change.
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i didnt know how hard i could cry
8:54 AM
Monday, February 13, 2006
i can't speak for him, but i knew we were involved in an unhealthy situation.
i met him at work. we shared a common interest so we started hanging out. like all new situations, the beginning was cool. we'd sit around, watch movies, and talk.
shortly after we started hanging out, he felt compelled to inform me of his situation with his ex girlfriend. at the time, i didn't feel the need to be concerned because i didn't see us being anything more than friends.
unfortunately, i wound up spending too much time with him and eventually allowed myself to like him.
things were cool until his ex found out about me.
she decided that after two months of non-communication, they had a chance to work things out. when he explained the situation, i agreed. i could relate. i felt the same way about my sagittarius. i respected his decision to want to try and work things out with her. i knew they had a history. besides how could i argue with history, especially when it involved high school sweethearts.
two weeks later he tells me that she hadn't changed, and they would never be able to work out their differences.
my response: "i'm so sorry things didn't work out. well at least you finally have closure."
so we picked up where we left off. two weeks later, he tells me that he is still in love with his ex girlfriend. then he goes on to say that he has these strong feelings for me, too, but before we take our 'relationship' any further, he has to make sure that he has her out of his system (this should have been the first indication of trouble, but i ignored it).
not even a full week later, he tells me that they just can't make it work. i couldn't tell you what was going on in my head (maybe i was desperate for male companionship or temporarily insane), but i told him that i was willing to pick up where we left off.
------ lets take a moment and talk about the canadian (lets call him 6'9) ------
i met him at a party (my friend introduced us). we were sitting at the same table, and he asked me why i wasn't on the dance floor. this led to an interesting discussion about a virus he contracted on his way to america that caused his heart to double its size (explains why he was not on the dance floor). we exchanged numbers and for the next two or three months, we kept each other entertained.
it was actually pretty refreshing.
i miss him...i wonder where he is now...
------back to the drama----
anyway-so i decided to give him another chance.
tell me why two weeks later, he's still confused? except this time, he feels like the best option for him was to refrain from trying to establish a relationship with me and the ex. obviously, dude had issues, and i was completely fine with his revelation. plus, it allowed me to spend more time with the canadian. *i really loved his accent. it was soo sexy.*
so as time progresses, 'boy troubled' and i maintained a cordial relationship (after all we did work together), but eventually fell back into the same old pattern. however, this time, i was the one with issues.
Okay so i was the one with the issues. I guess the 'whole back and forth, one day you want me the next day you don't' had a profound effect on how I perceived our situation (can't call it a relationship). Around January '04 ( we met august '03), I knew that I needed to do something different. We were always arguing and it was mostly about me. Now, I thought I had done a good job explaining my views on relationships and my issue with commitment. It takes me a while to come to terms with the idea of establishing a relationship with someone. I knew I cared about him and that he cared about me, but there was still an uneasy feeling. We both knew that we had our own personal issues to handle, but I thought maybe we could work out our issues together. So I stayed onboard, but in reality, the issues that we had were ones that needed to be dealt with alone. I'm not a very verbal person especially when it comes to how i feel, and he was VERY verbal about his feelings. He was the type that always wanted to talk, and it really made me uncomfortable. Whenever we'd have these 'conversations', I'd immediately lock up. They were getting redundant, and I was getting frustrated with the whole situation. However, I couldn't bring myself to tell him how i felt, so we never came to a resolution for how we were going to make this work. Instead of walking away, we kinda drifted along. After a few weeks of drifting, I got tired. I knew I was on a dead end street, but I'd become so used to having him around that I didn't feel like looking for a replacement. I would have these conversations with my friends about how I needed a change. The 'on again off again' was played out. My change came in the form of a sweet, young man who truly adored me. He traveled an hour every weekend to see me. He called all day long, and although he wanted a relationship, he understood and respected my issues with relationships. Unfortunately, his term ended shortly after we met. He was sweet but needy. I enjoyed his company, but his sweetness and his series of unexpected visits grew very old and tiring. No regrets...It was a nice change.
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i didnt know how hard i could cry
8:52 AM
